14th May 2012 - 6.10 pm - the fateful date and time permanently stated on the death cert showing that my beloved Appa passing to the other side of the world. It has to be the saddest day of my life . While my tears seems to be flowing ever so easily from that fateful day till today , I am still coping to come to terms that Appa is no longer around . It is very very painful beyond belief .
Having just seen him , wiping his face , his body , his head , his ever so painful mouth that was swollen just the day before his death , made me having trouble to have this reality kick into my brains that he is forever gone . On 13th May , he even held my hand so long on his chest so many times til he doze off into his many short naps . His persistant voice calling me whenever he is in pain every other hour was almost ringtone like and it seems like it was just yesterday that he seems to be around physically for me to touch .
A healthy man he was before this and having been so independent in handling his daily routines have made so many people who know him think that it was sudden that he left and not knowing that this deadly disease ate him up in only 6 months.
He told me the day before he left that , "Don't care about what people say , She is my daughter" .. those words and affirmation that he gave towards me was so heart wrenching and sweet at the same time . It cost more than having millions of dollars or having barrels of golds and diamonds . I trully feel a sense of belonging , I felt safe .
He asked me to sort some things for him , for Amma and wants me to take care of everybody , I didnt know that it was his last request . I hope I can . I will find a way to do so , as it was his wish.Even if no one understand why I am doing so , I am doing it for him .
Today , at this moment , I am still trying so hard not to cry when I think of Appa . Even at work , I am putting a brave front , trust me it is so difficult to act normal when you lose your love one .
Now I will not receive any calls from him anymore like how he use to call me when he is in Taiping .He will call just to say how much he misses everyone and how lonely he was . He will call me all the time before he come to visit and ask if I want Mango - it seems to be the most delicious Mango that he always brought for me and he knew it was my favourite . I will miss him calling me and laughing away about so many things that we share, which I knew he did not share with others - even a simple picture will make him laugh so much . I will miss him calling me and asking where I am if I didnt turn up . He was worried and he will ask if everything was alright .
My regret was not being able to send him to India , although he asked me to hold his passport if he needed me to book the ticket for him anytime he calls . I saved him some money for that , but he ended up not being able to use it at all *sigh* , he kept it when I gave it to him on his birthday , he wanted to use it for his trip he says - I guess thats life , what ever we plan , doesnt mean that we are able to execute it .
I never knew that the day before that when I told him " Appa , take care of Amma " - he said "OK" , and I said "Appa, you're strong right ?" He said " Strong!" , It was actually my last ever conversation with him . He was strong when he battled his disease , and he did in a way took care of Amma cause he left and did not want to be a burden to her :( .
I do wish I could turn back time and I do hope that if he does come and visit me even in my dreams , I will not be scared . He is my Appa and I love him . He is my invisible protector now . I miss you Appa , ever so much . May you be safe and peaceful being guarded by BABA . No more pain Appa . I Love You .
