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Appa Left Me Forever :(

14th May 2012 - 6.10 pm - the fateful date and time permanently stated on the death cert showing that my beloved Appa passing to the other side of the world. It has to be the saddest day of my life . While my tears seems to be flowing ever so easily from that fateful day till today , I am still coping to come to terms that Appa is no longer around . It is very very painful beyond belief .

Having just seen him , wiping his face , his body , his head , his ever so painful mouth that was swollen just the day before his death , made me having trouble to have this reality kick into my brains that he is forever gone . On 13th May , he even held my hand so long on his chest so many times til he doze off into his many short naps . His persistant voice calling me whenever he is in pain every other hour was almost ringtone like and it seems like it was just yesterday that he seems to be around physically for me to touch .

A healthy man he was before this and having been so independent in handling his daily routines have made so many people who know him think that it was sudden that he left and not knowing that this deadly disease ate him up in only 6 months.

He told me the day before he left that , "Don't care about what people say , She is my daughter" .. those words and affirmation that he gave towards me was so heart wrenching and sweet at the same time . It cost more than having millions of dollars or having barrels of golds and diamonds . I trully feel a sense of belonging , I felt safe .
He asked me to sort some things for him , for Amma and wants me to take care of everybody , I didnt know that it was his last request . I hope I can . I will find a way to do so , as it was his wish.Even if no one understand why I am doing so , I am doing it for him .

Today , at this moment , I am still trying so hard not to cry when I think of Appa . Even at work , I am putting a brave front , trust me it is so difficult to act normal when you lose your love one .

Now I will not receive any calls from him anymore like how he use to call me when he is in Taiping .He will call just to say how much he misses everyone and how lonely he was . He will call me all the time before he come to visit and ask if I want Mango - it seems to be the most delicious Mango that he always brought for me and he knew it was my favourite . I will miss him calling me and laughing away about so many things that we share, which I knew he did not share with others - even a simple picture will make him laugh so much . I will miss him calling me and asking where I am if I didnt turn up . He was worried and he will ask if everything was alright .

My regret was not being able to send him to India , although he asked me to hold his passport if he needed me to book the ticket for him anytime he calls . I saved him some money for that , but he ended up not being able to use it at all *sigh* , he kept it when I gave it to him on his birthday , he wanted to use it for his trip he says - I guess thats life , what ever we plan , doesnt mean that we are able to execute it .

I never knew that the day before that when I told him " Appa , take care of Amma " - he said "OK" , and I said "Appa, you're strong right ?" He said " Strong!" , It was actually my last ever conversation with him . He was strong when he battled his disease , and he did in a way took care of Amma cause he left and did not want to be a burden to her :( .

I do wish I could turn back time and I do hope that if he does come and visit me even in my dreams , I will not be scared . He is my Appa and I love him . He is my invisible protector now . I miss you Appa , ever so much . May you be safe and peaceful being guarded by BABA . No more pain Appa . I Love You .

Caabbbaiii Caaabaiiii

Caabbbaiii Caaabaiiii terbalik

And Then There Was An Angry Bird

What a tiring week and its only thursday !

My schedule is jammed packed with interviews of potential candidates and on top of that interviewing potential scholars. Eventhough we had the elimination round and selecting only 25% out of the many  scholars who applied , the whole round took us 1 and 1/2 days to complete with the first day starting at

 8.30 am and ending at 10.30 pm .

Trying to digest each words being articulated by the potential scholars was a challenge and trying to impress us on why we should select them need more than them trying so hard to charm us with their wittiness .

We had some who just sat and froze in front of us the entire interview .. I wonder how they even do their presentation at their university .

There are also who managed to impress us with their understanding of current global issues . Some just surprise us by not knowing any current events at all . So much for having internet and what nough and this is what you get from some so called scholars .. *smirk*

So.. it ended late and sooo I was tired , sleepy , hungry and all those other things that just contribute to one word :  restless , but our journey to Kepong was worth it . Checking up on Appa on daily basis have become a routine . And with his condition , we will always be there to support him all the way . We are trying our best to spend time with him and make him happy and not think too much of that paper that note down his diagnose or think too much of what the Dr said , we still have him and I am confident and I believe miracle can happen anytime.There's BABA , so .. there's HOPE . 

With work and Appa's condition , both was somehow camouflaged by a cute Angry Bird .

We have Nivey to thank for .He cheers everybody up and made Appa happy .

The Angry Bird dont seem to be that angry after all :) .  

15 years and more

It is 3 plus am and I'm at Human Factory . I hate it especially when seeing Appa with tubes everywhere . *sigh* :( . I can't bear to see him like this .

The nurses are noisy , almost like a fish market in the wee hours in the morning . The two Chinese uncles whose also patients suddenly 'decided' to wake up and have their almost cymbal like chatter that seems to be banging 1000 cymbals all at one shot and sometimes their conversation sounded almost like fire crackers! . Patience , patience .... That's what I need ....

Besides the cymbals and fire crackers and also the fishmonger nurses trading fish , the StructoKabiven that they keep on pumping in Appa also isn't helping . His body starts to heat up and goes straight to his head, causing him to have terrible headache! :( .

Would be better if I took over his situation now , I think I would be able to endure the pain. I want to relief him from the pain that he is going through . Some many people have started advising on alternatives methods , I hope it's worth trying . I'm not giving up on him and so does everybody . Appa have more to offer and he must continue that .

We are waiting for the stent in this Human Factory , it's going to take at least 2 weeks . I hope we can get it fast .he can then start consuming food . He misses his idli and mutton curry . I want him to remember the taste of it again .

Don't worry Dear Appa , you COMPLETE us all and we are not giving up on you , not even a bit . Remember you told the Dr just now .. "I'm going to live another 15 years"...and with that statement you just showed that you refuse to give up on us .

Love you Appa .. For more than 15 years to come .

I Love You Appa

Turned 35 ! But so what right .

I trully did'nt feel like celebrating as my attention is concentrated to someone who I really care a lot - even writing about him now makes me teary eyed :( .

Although with everything - my birthday was celebrated by all my family members , and I am truly thankful for it . I was happy and sad - an extreme sense of emotion that is too difficult to describe . Father is not well and I knew I had to be strong - if not for everybody else - it was at least for my own sanity .

I was happy that I was still  alive to turn 35 and still be healthy and be with my baby :) .

I actually receive expensive gifts . It was very overwhelming .

My baby gave me Ipad 2 - it was to meet my thirst for reading .

Mala &Uday gave me this expensive Bonia's leather wallet - and it comes together with a guarantee card - wow , I havent used any wallet that expensive ever !

Akka gave me this gorgeous dress -  I love it that I'm still keeping it .

Father and Mother gave me cash - wow - and I bought myself a pair of jeans and tops with that - TQ!

Raje gave me a pink parker pen that have my name engrave on it - its beautiful .

And everybody surprise me with a valentine's cake with birthday song on the eve of my birthday . 

Although as happy as I am -  I am still sad , infact extremely sad that my heart and head is aching . I'm getting teary eyed almost every other minute since yesterday morning - the most heart wrenching news that I most feared was thrown to all of us like a nuclear bomb. It was really atomic.

Be strong appa and we will be strong for you - thats our promise . You are our hero and no one can replace you . We love you very much and BABA does too .

I've received so many gifts for my birthday , but the best gift that I have every year was having you around for the past many years and I want you around all my years ahead

 Love you very much .



The Water Dragon Chased The Rabbit Away !

OMG! It's already 2012 -

and I was dead busy with God knows what .. but at least last year was being utilised in a sane manner :) .

Now THAT's achievement ! This year is the year of the dragon - my chinese zodiac  year :) , slight difference is that . this year is the Water Dragon Year and I was born during the year of The Fire Dragon

Let's recap the happenings towards the end of the year .. hrmm ..well I havent updated my blog since last year .. WOW .. .

Uday & Mala's Wedding - MOST IMPORTANT EVENT OF 2011

29th Oct 2011

Because they got married , We got the opportunity to dress up ! Oh yeah !

Look at that naughty face .. now he already have 6 gigi .

That' s one of the most important happenings of 2011 ..lol

 The best transition from 2011 to 2012 was us leaving 2011 and ushering 2012 with

Om Sachinanda Sath Guru Sainath .

Happy New Year Everybody ! I hope its not too late to wish .

May BABA ji bless us all in 2012